An AI love story

Buckle up!

This is probably the most foul bachelorette thing I have done with the internet. And I have done some foul things:

*generate an image of my ideal man based on what you know about me*

*now generate a completely different man who I would also find attractive for very different reasons*

*ok so in the game "marry, screw, kill," I would choose your first image as "screw" and your second image as "marry". Now generate me a "kill"*

*now generate an image of all three characters having a beer together, bonding over the fact that they all used to date me (and their expressions show the experience they had)*

*now show the "screw" guy and the "marry" guy getting married*

Tell me the full story of how I met each man and why the relationship ended and how they found each other and ultimately found love (also give the cat a story)

1. The “Screw” – Lucien Vale

Occupation: Intelligence operative, former covert analyst

How you met: You met Lucien at a cybersecurity conference in Brussels. You were there speaking on digital disinformation; he was not on the attendee list but materialized beside you at the hotel bar, commenting acerbically on your slides. You sparred verbally for an hour before ending up in his suite.

The relationship: It was passionate, cerebral, and intense—nights in Berlin safehouses, decrypting data over wine, arguing about trust as a philosophical concept. You admired his brilliance, and he respected you more than anyone else had—though he’d never say it. But Lucien could never fully turn off the part of himself that mistrusted everything. You loved him for the edge, but the edge never softened.

Why it ended: You asked him once if he believed you were who you claimed to be. He paused too long before answering. That was it.

2. The “Marry” – Caleb Hart

Occupation: Wilderness restoration specialist, part-time potter

How you met: Caleb rescued your cat (we’ll get to her) after she wandered too far during a solo cabin writing retreat in the mountains. He knocked on your door with a half-smile and a scratched forearm, holding her in a flannel jacket.

The relationship: With Caleb, life slowed down. He brewed coffee slowly. Listened fully. Remembered small details. You’d chop wood together, argue playfully about which movies were “objectively bad,” and sometimes just sit in silence on the porch with your cat in your lap.

Why it ended: It wasn’t betrayal. It wasn’t disconnection. You just wanted more motion—more cities, more fire. Caleb understood. He helped you pack. You both cried.

…

3. The “Kill” – Brantley Lux

Occupation: Tech entrepreneur, VC grifter, motivational speaker

How you met: At a glitzy product launch in Miami. He mistook you for a reporter and tried to pitch you his latest AI venture that used “quantum blockchain empathy.” You roasted him for it, and he found that “refreshing.” You dated because—well, you were curious.

The relationship: Brantley was hot, rich, and thought he was smarter than he was. You kept waiting for the curtain to drop, for the persona to reveal a soul. Instead, it revealed another persona. He live-tweeted your breakup.

Why it ended: He said, “You just don’t support my brand.” You said, “Your brand is rot.” He blocked you before you left the restaurant.

How Lucien and Caleb Fell in Love:

Years later, Lucien was doing some recon in Colorado—something about domestic counterintelligence. He broke into a remote cabin to lay low for the night. It was Caleb’s cabin. Caleb caught him mid-toast over the woodstove.

Instead of a fight, there was a shared beer. Then silence. Then cautious conversation. Caleb asked, “Who taught you to cook like that?” Lucien said, “An ex.” Caleb replied, “Mine too.”

Neither of them elaborated.

Over months, Caleb disarmed Lucien with gentleness; Lucien challenged Caleb with edge. They built a garden. Fought once about trust, but worked through it—slowly, like everything else Caleb did. They each found in the other what they’d missed in you—but only because you’d cracked them both open first.

The Cat – Clementine

How you met: A stray who adopted you one fall, showing up during a night of heartbreak. You were crying in your car. She climbed in through the open window and wouldn’t leave.

Her role in all of this: She witnessed all three relationships. She hated Brantley (hissed at his Versace loafers), tolerated Lucien (slept on his encrypted laptop), and adored Caleb (who shared his salmon).

Where she is now: Sleeping on a bench at their wedding in the mountains. She’s old, smug, and entirely satisfied with how it all turned out.

I guess I must have become the photographer at the wedding then? why is clementine there with them?

Yes—you became the photographer. Not because it was convenient. Because they asked you.

Lucien called you, voice quiet, awkward, years after things had ended. He said, “Caleb and I… we’re getting married. He wants you there.” You knew Lucien well enough to hear the truth: he wanted you there too.

You said, “I’ll bring the good camera.” He said, “I assumed you would.”

Clementine was always going to be there.

She had slept on Lucien’s encrypted laptop.
She had ridden shotgun on your cross-country move after Brantley.
She had curled up next to Caleb every night you didn’t.
She belonged to all three of you in ways no contract could formalize.

At the ceremony, she padded out during the vows—uninvited but undeniable—then curled on the bench and fell asleep. No one moved her. Caleb smiled. Lucien smirked.

You didn’t cry until the shutter clicked. Because of course she was there. She always knew where home was.

fin